Reflections on Trick-or-Treaters

Halloween has never been my favorite holiday. A little part of me was looking forward to it this year, though, because it was the first time I’d be getting trick-or-treaters. Since we live in a house in a subdivision, I was looking forward to seeing all the neighborhood children’s cute and scary costumes. After my experience, I can safely say this: I like this holiday even less now.

This is why:

• At least 25% of the trick-or-treaters who graced my doorstep weren't even dressed up.  We're talking straight up jeans and a sweatshirt.  Um, hello?  Is that not the point?  Oh, right.  It's all about the candy.

• My dumb dog barked her head off every. single. time. someone came to the door, which left me with a gigantic headache.  Nobody's fault but my own.  Any tips on breaking her of this nasty little habit, by the way?

• Most children under the age of 10 said, “Trick or treat!” At least they got that right. For those who didn’t (and were old enough to), I made them say it before they got any candy.  I mean, I didn't choke it out of them or anything.  A simple, cheerful "What do you say!?" usually did the trick.  How ya gonna come to my door and just open your bag, looking down into it, anticipating my addition to your already sickeningly huge mound of sugar? Don’t think your gum-smacking, 16-year-old, no-costumed keister can get some free candy by knocking on my door and, while texting, bat your glitterly-lashed eyes and expect to receive anything good. One Jolly Rancher for you. Better luck at the next house.  [Editor's note:  I wrote this post on the evening of Halloween, in the dwindling minutes of trick-or-treat time.  I realize, upon review, this sounds harsh, and I wanted to delete it.  On second thought, however, I decided to leave it, as it very accurately reflects my attitude at that precise moment in time.  It also demonstrates very well why one should think before speaking.  Or writing.]

• About 6 trick or treaters were under 1 year old, passed out in a stroller, and their mothers had taken over collecting candy for them. Let’s be real for a sec.  Unless you have another, active trick-or-treater in tow, when your baby falls asleep in the stroller, it’s about time to hang it up because your <1 year old isn’t going to eat all, if any, of that candy, nor are they going to remember how much or how little they received.

• One gentleman who graced my doorstep in a mask was my age, if not older than me, and called me a sweetheart as I put a Twix into his plastic pumpkin. At least he was dressed up!? Probably not a great way to hit on someone, though.

• At least 15% were far too old to be trick-or-treating.  They probably should've just marched on over to Wally World and bought their own.

It was the handful of under-12-year-old monkeys, Buzz Lightyears, witches, cheerleaders, cowboys, fairies and ninjas who saved it for me. I’m sure I’ll pass out candy in the future. But there’ll be a special candy bucket for those who put some effort into it.  Tricks and treats, indeed.

Having said all that, I hope everyone had a happy halloween!